I’m still riding the high from catching my second eclipse last month. I was thinking about it again recently, and of course my thoughts led to the obvious: Postage stamp forgery.
I know many of you were thinking the same thing when I posted the eclipse article last week: “You know, your glorious photos would make an even better postage stamp than image that the government actually issued for the eclipse. Also, I will pay you a regular salary to travel the world, take photos, and regale us with your stunning wit.”
Get in touch me for the second part, but as for the first… way ahead of you. Yes, the Canadian Government issued stamps commemorating the eclipse. They made an error, though. They issued the stamps before the eclipse occurred, so they don’t have an accurate image of the eclipse. Maybe they wanted people to mail postcards on eclipse day? Maybe they thought that the interest in the stamps would drop off right around… say, April 10?
If I was in charge of Canada, I would have taken a photo of the eclipse as soon as it hit Canadian soil, and requisitioned all printers in Newfoundland to make the stamp available to the public before the Eclipse passed through there.
If you do the math, that would give… hang on… It would have to be a photo of totality, because a partial eclipse would be too pathetic to put on the stamp… no one would go to buy stamps during totality because they’d be watching the sun, but they’d buy them before the last bit eclipse finishes…. I really should have worked this out before I started typing… What’s the time zone difference again….
Okay. The totality first hits Canada at Pelee island at a few seconds before 3:13 PM. The final bit of the eclipse ends just east of Elliston, itself bit east of Bonavista, at 6:17 PM, but there’s a 90 minute time zone difference. If I took a picture at Pelee island just as totality started, I’d have 94 minutes to make the stamps, email the file, and get them printed and sold in Bonavista before the eclipse ended there. Yes, I said ‘if I took a picture’. Of course I’d take the photo myself. Being the ruler of Canada has its privileges.
That’s a lot of work for an hour and a half; I’d have to conscript a lot of people and make them work fast. However, If I’m already conscripting the workers, I might as well conscript a lot more of them, and have the stamps ready before totality starts in Elliston(Just before 5:14 PM NewfieTime©). That would give Canada a whopping 31 minutes to get the stamps ready, It might not seem cost effective first glance, but count on the increased number of tourists to the area. Visitors to Bonavista(which under my benevolent rule, would consist of the entire unconscripted Canadian population, kindly given a free mandatory vacation to there… but maybe not back home after, depending on the amount of the national budget I used used to make the stamps) would be strongly encouraged to buy these stamps as souvenirs.
To sum up, This is why I’m not in politics. It is, however, why I’m now into stamp forgery. Canada had its opportunity to do this stamp right and wasted it because of ‘human rights’ and ‘feasibility’, now it’s my turn. Lets actually look at the Canadian stamp.
My first thought when I saw this eclipse was ‘Oh, an eclipse. Cool. I’ve seen one.’ My second thought was ‘Niagara Falls. I’ve been there!’. My third thought was “Did I already eat all the brownies?” My fourth thought was ‘What’s on the right side… haven’t I been there too?’. My fifth thought was ‘Yes I have. That’s at Spillars Cove by Bonavista’ My sixth and final thought was ‘I’m an idiot. the locations are written right on the stamp’. To be fair to myself, though, the actual stamp is a lot smaller. It’s literally the size of a postage stamp.
I’ve also been to the third location in the centre of the stamp, Hopewell Rocks in New Brunswick. I didn’t recognize it at first because the stamp doesn’t look anything like them and I thought that Hopewell Rocks wouldn’t be under the path of Totality. Looking at it now that it’s zoomed it, it is a perfect match for the real thing. It’s obvious. I only missed it because the stamps are so small and-
Scratch that. There are no Hopewell Rocks in the image. Obviously. That area wasn’t even going to get the total eclipse. No one would think that there were any Hopewell Rocks in the image. Only an idiot would see them in the stamp. In fact, I don’t think the Hopewell Rocks even exist. I’m not even sold on the fact that New Brunswick exists. I might be misremembering Nova Scotia.
So, a stamp with an eclipse overhead, Niagara Falls, Spillars Cove, and Hopewell Rocks absolutely nothing else.
Lets Start with Niagara Falls. Easy.
Okay, Spillars Cove next. It’s just outside the Newfoundland city of Bonavista. I saw a photo of the big sticky-out rock while I was there, and rearranged my travel plans to go see it. Sticky-out rock isn’t the official name for it; the official name is ‘The Chimney’.
…That’s a generic name. I like Sticky-out Rock better.
And now there’s a gap in the middle. It’s too bad the eclipse didn’t pass over some kind of rocks on the way there. I still need a third photo, and I don’t recognize the centre because it definitely isn’t Hopewell Rocks that do not exist. Does Canada Post have any additional information?
The centre of the stamp “now refers instead to “New Brunswick’s coastline.” That is not helpful. I think most of New Brunswick is coastline. However, I’ve been by the coastline in the narrow area that was under the total eclipse, so I should be able to make it work.
Yep, I’ve been there.
…but there’s a problem. I’ve been there, but from the wrong side. All my photos are taken pointed to the water, not the land. The opposite of the photos on the stamp.
Well, that photo (from Cocnagne, north of Shediac) is the best I’ve got, so…
And add an eclipse… the actual April eclipse, and….
Seamless!
Well, almost seamless. Maybe it needs just a bit more of a touch-up.
If I merge the bottom photos together… change the colouring so they match….
Not bad. Now to put the real eclipse back in, replace all the writing, add a bit of colour to the horizon, and…
Perfect.
Well, kind of perfect. That middle New Brunswick water doesn’t really match; it could be conceviably going over the falls on the left and are a muddy lake on the right, but it should be one or the other to look right. Too bad there wasn’t some kind of rocks. Lets look at Hopewell Rocks again(after careful consideration and the fact that I’ve been there in person, I’ve decided that maybe they do exist after all). How close are they to the eclipse?
98.9 percent magnitude. That means that the 98.9 percent of the sun is covered. That rounds up to 99%, which is almost 100%. And isn’t 99 pretty much the same as 100?
Shut up, caption! In fact, maybe the map(and the science) got it wrong, and if we look close… yes, it appears that it does go over Hopewell Rocks after all!
Yay! I can use my photos after all!
And now I can use one of my photos of Hopewell Rocks. I should get more into writing about them at some point, but for now, stamp forgery. I like this photo…
But it has the same problem as the other one. I’m taking the photo from the wrong angle. I need a photo looking from the shore to the cliffs, and I need the cliffs fairly level. How about this?
Add that into the middle of the stamp, and…
Then it’s just a matter of lining the pictures up, removing the background, adding the eclipse…
…. and making the sky match.
Okay, that looks good. A bit of touchups, some shading for the horizon, and the relevant text, and it should be good to go.
… Okay. Maybe just a tad brighter. Just for aesthetics.
… and there we go! A perfect reproduction of a stamp. In fact, it’s an improved version of the stamp, just as the best forgeries are. The middle of the authentic stamp was too boring. This rock pillar is much more aesthetically pleasing.
Now, to print out my stamps and use them to my heart’s del….
WHAT THE #(@!*#!ing %($@% DO YOU MEAN THERE’S SECURITY MEASURES?!
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Okay, I…
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ummm…. to be continued? Maybe?
Parallel Views 